Asides

This week, week five of 40 Days, was about centering. I failed week five. I know part of this process is to avoid dwelling on my failures and to meet myself where I am without judgement, but EFF that is SO difficult. I don’t know what caused me to derail so badly this week, but this train definitely crashed and burned and hard.

I practiced, maybe, once or twice this week. I got on my mat more than that, but I just couldn’t do it for some reason. I would start and then just…quit. I meditated, maybe, 4 or 5 times, which is a decent amount since I am doing 25 minute meditations, but this week called for 2 of those a day. I didn’t get anywhere close to that, and I feel like I’ve failed. I judged my body all week long-for it’s performance (or lack thereof), for it’s appearance, for everything. On top of not being dedicated to my practice, I ate like SHIT. Like, a whole-pizza-in-a-day and a keg of beer and McDonald’s kind of SHIT. So naturally eating like shit makes you feel like shit and that doesn’t help when you’re already kind of down on yourself for failing the week.

So as I’m typing this all out, I realize that all I’m really doing is making light of how silly my perspective is right now. I’m recognizing the fact that my mood is “below the line” currently, and by acknowledging it, I’m going to pull myself above. It was a good week, and I have plenty to be thankful for, as usual. I had a good time drinking and eating that pizza, I had a good week at work, though it wore me out, I have a pot roast in the crock pot, Iron and Wine playing, and lots of possibility. I’m going to finish up my laundry, put my yoga mat on the floor, and practice. I might take a bubble bath later and drink a hot cup of coffee and read a book. I’m going to set my intentions for this week and I am going to kick it’s ass. I do believe this week’s theme is triumph, so let’s go.

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I often begin posts without ever finishing them. Most of the time as of late, they’ve begun with a negative or sad connotation. I live in a new town where I have only a couple of friends and my relationship just ended. I feel sad a lot of the time and I have a lot of things to say about what I’m going through right now. I think a lot about loneliness and companionship and how the absence or presence of these things shape us. I think a lot about the phases of life and social expectations. I think a lot about being a twenty-five year old single woman in the midwest, an anomaly. Some days I am able to see a lot of positive in the life I have right now; the independence, the freedom to explore, the potential. Other days I can’t see past the isolation I feel. I feel a lot through the course of a day; often too much, I think. I wonder why I’m here, what my future holds, why our hearts get broken, what the rush is, why everyone else gets to be loved…. there are probably answers to many of these questions and I’m trying to learn how to be content not knowing them, at least not now.

Right now, with all that’s going on in the world, I’m realizing that I have a lot to be thankful for. Aside from the obvious roof over my head and food on the table, I have a job that allows me to give back to the community on a daily basis and invest in the lives of teenagers. I have a family and friends who love me. Really love. I didn’t lose a child or a sister or a friend to a manic murderer last week and I get to celebrate the holidays with my family. I know what it feels like to love. I got to look at the stars this week and watch the Hobbit and see the Christmas lights in the company of someone who loves me even if it’s not the kind of love I wish it were. I have dogs who give me funny looks and wiggle their whole body when they are excited and snuggle me when I’m sad. Last night I got to meet a lot of interesting people from all over the world at a small dinner potluck and today I walked down the trail that runs along the creek by my apartment in the sunny sixty degree sunshine. I get to see videos like this and this and read things like this that make me laugh and smile and remind me there are happy moments happening all the time. I get to witness the love and joy of all the people around me beginning new families and I get to hold babies and kiss them but I don’t have to change their diapers or stay up all night with them. I get to choose what to cook for dinner and what kind of beer to keep on hand. I have a new television and a Christmas tree with presents under it and today I sat in a bookstore reading half a book about praying and then I found a cool end table for $5 at goodwill.

Maybe one of the keys to being happy is to be thankful. Tonite I am thankful.

 

i love blogging about myself but god it’s awful to go back and read your old posts sometimes. that last one wasn’t too bad, but i only had to go back a few before i began to cringe a little. i’m not ashamed though. love it or leave it… that’s what i always say. actually, i think that’s the first time i ever said that, but maybe i’ll start.

it’s been a couple of crazy months, but here’s where i’m at: broke, more or less living by myself (and my dogs), falling in love or something, almost twenty-five, and confused as hell about my life. all of those things are really scary, but as far as i can tell, i’m pretty much a textbook mid-twenty something so huzzah for doing something right!

i stumbled upon this article today. here i’ve posted a few of my thoughts.

19 Pieces Of Advice You’ll Need To Make It Through Your 20s

1. Knowing what you don’t want can often be more valuable than knowing what you do want.
i think at almost-twenty-five i can say i’ve begun to understand this statement. i’m curious to see how my perspective changes over the next few years.

8. Anxiety can work in two ways: It can act as your biggest motivator or keep you frozen. Always strive for the former.

i’ve been learning this lesson in the realest way lately. i have never been one to deal with anxiety, but my oh my has it been an issue the last several weeks. i feel like i am at the brink of a new phase in life, and the unknown is causing me crippling anxiety. it has 100% been keeping me frozen, but i’m trying to refocus that energy into motivation. so hard.

9. It’s important that you advocate for yourself in both your work and personal life. No one’s going to care more about you than yourself.

but it’s scary… what if i fall on my face?

12. If you’re feeling depressed and you’re not sure why, there’s a 70% chance you just need to leave your apartment and be social.

yes. more like 97% chance.

14. Loving yourself — especially during such a rollercoaster of a decade — is going to be your biggest challenge, but in the end, it will be worth it. Prioritize the relationship you have with yourself over everything else.

i feel like this is what i’ve been doing over the past year. i’m ready to love someone else now too.

15. The only good reason to go into debt is for traveling. Not Isabel Marant boots or expensive groceries.

i’m there. broke because of traveling. do i get extra points? (if we’re being honest, i’m in debt because of a college degree, but let’s not get into semantics).

17. It doesn’t matter if you’re not currently where you want to be in your life. What matters is that you’re actively trying to achieve your goals rather than getting defeated.

i think life IS an active pursuit of goals. are we really ever where we want to be? i like to think that no one has it all figured out because that makes me feel a little less lost….

19. Love as much as you can. Don’t become scared of it. Don’t let a bad experience close you off for good.

it really all comes down to this. love.

i love blogging…

well sheesh… what a downer i was on that last post. i didn’t even go back and read through it because i don’t wanna go back to that place. things have been better, though i still feel stuck in some kind of rut. i have a very fortunate life if i’m being honest with myself, and really no reason to complain. i’m working on being thankful and reflecting on those things that are good in my life. i want to be more consistent with my blog here (i say that every time i post), and one of the things i’d like to post about more regularly are those positive reflections. so ima do it. there.

anyway.

i’ve been thinking a lot about the next several months and my future lately. i feel like springfield is where i’m supposed to be for now. i’m not scared of moving, and i don’t think i’ll stay here forever, but right now i feel like there is a reason i’m here. i’ve got community, career opportunities, networks, a cool house, cool jobs…. the only thing i feel like i’m missing is a close group of friends. i’ve kind of isolated myself as of late and i’m completely to blame for that. i think i mentioned that a bit in my last post. i have many many friends and even more acquaintances, but when it comes to close personal friendships, not so many anymore. how did that happen? i think it kind of naturally happens after college, and it’s only been amplified by my personal reclusiveness. i need to make more time for people. i’m adding that to my list of goals. both dating and friendships. this past weekened i became very aware that i’m lacking in mental and physical closeness with people; something i think is crucial to happiness. when i say mental closeness, it’s obvious i’m speaking of close personal friendships based on confident conversation and understanding. when i say physical closeness, i’m not necessarily speaking of intimacy, though that is important too. i’m referring to things like hugs from friends and simply being near another human. i sound totally lame when i go back and read that, but it’s entirely true. my roommate hugged me and we danced (drunkenly) this past weekend and i was reminded of how important it is to affirm and be affirmed by the ones you love.

in addition to spending some quality time with my roommate and some of my closest friends in the woods this past weekend, i was able to make a trip to fayetteville to see two people whose company i thoroughly enjoy. i had a really great conversation with my friend john about what the key to happiness in life is. his answer was “have no expectations” which i really appreciated. we discussed whether we thought it was possible for humans to truly have no expectations, and concluded that it’s not, but that some are better at dealing with them than others. i think it’s true that if you have no expectations, you’re probably going to be more content, but is that naivety? i don’t know.

i plan to post about a few more things this week. since i always say this and never follow through, here is a list of posts i intend to make so that i follow through:

latest photo shoots

my future career paths/current job situation

25 things i want to accomplish in the next 6 months before i turn 25

my fitness goals/accomplishments/plans

and i am gonna start collecting cool shit on this thing like i used to!

off to see the hunger games with v and chuckie. night all.

well sheesh… …

this was a nice week.

this was a nice…